


restitution of the innocent

by queerlytired



Series: duct tape [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: ?????, Crack, Fix-It, Gen, Happy Ending, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), and this is the most realist way of their return i could come up with, so i thought super hard for five minutes, the afterlife
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-29 22:15:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20089633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerlytired/pseuds/queerlytired
Summary: Tony wakes up to a grey ceiling.“That’s not a hospital,” he says.





	restitution of the innocent

**Author's Note:**

> im not even gonna lie, this was based on the meme where tony meets natasha in the afterlife and theyre both screaming and see loki and scream louder. also i just pulled an all-nighter for the first time in i shouldnt have.

Tony wakes up to a grey ceiling. 

“That’s not a hospital,” he says. 

“Tony!” 

A familiar face looms over his. Tony blinks. 

“Oh, hey Nat.” He swallows. “Bet you didn’t think I’d be next, huh.”

“Honestly, it was between you and Clint.” She peers down at him. “We won?”

“Oh, absolutely.” Tony punches a fist in the air, feeling better than he has in - in a _ lot_. “Go team.” 

Natasha leans back, their shoulders brushing. She puts her hand on his thigh, palm up, and he takes it gratefully. 

“So, if not hell, and definitely not heaven, where?”

She points up to a flashing sign above massive wooden doors, declaring **_‘Waiting Room’_**. Tony looks around and finds he can’t see how long the overcrowded room goes on for. 

“Ah,” he says. “This is gonna take a while. Got cards?”

-

They wander the room, hands clasped as to not get separated. There’s a lot of confused faces, some blank, some afraid. It’s some indiscernible time later they run into a familiar face.

“You’re dead!” Loki cries.

“Reindeer Games!” Tony cries back. He and Natasha slap the God of Mischief on the back a couple times, relieved at finding someone they know. 

“This is like that time Steve brought Lang to the team and it was like meeting that distant cousin you only ever hear about,” Tony says. “Good to see you, Green Lantern. Speaking of, where’s the green?”

Loki holds up a piece of paper like he’s been _ dying _ for someone to ask. 

“I’ve been here for a while,” he says gleefully. “Allow me to tell you what I know.” 

The small strip of flimsy parchment contains the following; a faint idea of where they are (a waiting room, unknown what for, likely for ‘judgement’),_‘everyone here wears weird grey clothes’_, a list of people they more or less are acquainted with, and ** _ ‘THERE IS NO ESCAPE’_ ** written in bold, underlined some few times.

“We’ll see about that last part,” Natasha muses. “How long have you been here?”

“I don’t know,” Loki says bluntly. “How long have _ you_?”

“Like a week,” Tony says, as Natasha goes, “A day.”

They look at each other. Loki looks smug. 

“Fuck.”

-

Loki says he’s heard from some that Odin has come and gone, along with some others they know, such as Killmonger and Quicksilver.

“There’s some blue fellow who insists on being that Peter Quill’s father,” Loki drawls, vaguely gesturing his hand as they walk through the throngs of people. “Yondu? And that blithering fool, Skurge.”

“No idea,” Natasha frowns. “Wait, what about Gamora?”

Loki lights up. “Yes, that green one who insists she too has a blue sibling. She’s here.”

“Hey, didn’t someone else come with you?” Tony interrupts. “Thor said-”

“As if Heimdall would ever have a need to step in this place,” Loki scorns. “His moral compass was nearly enough to set straight _ mine _.” 

“He gives me whiplash,” Tony mutters. Loki’s hand tightens on his arm as he leads them to Gamora. 

-

They’re collectively trying their damndest to make a house of cards out of more than ten fucking cards before it falls over; Loki’s powers don’t work in this place, and frankly, it’s more amusing watching him sulk. 

“This is what my life has come to,” Tony says delightedly as Loki’s card house comes crashing down for the nth time. To his left, Natasha and Gamora have built a five foot tall structure out of the cards, that more resembles a strand of DNA than it does a triangle.

“Stark,” Loki snaps, brow visibly ticking, “some _ assistance_?”

Tony pretends to think about it. 

“Nah.”

_ “Tony Stark," _comes the bored voice of the receptionist. 

“So there’s clearly no line of order here.”

“We could all go together,” Gamora suggests. “You know, Stars willing the twelve year old doesn’t fuck us over on the way.” 

“Quill’s a bad influence on you,” Tony informs her, standing between her and a bristling Loki. They all lock hands and push through a less crowded route, coming to the little semi-circle window in a corner. 

“Tony Stark,” Tony announces.

“Report to the Hall of Redemption,” the receptionist drones, swinging a limb of at least ten downwards. 

“That doesn’t sound great, but sure, why not.” He takes his ticket and they climb down the stairs. Tony shoves his hands into his pockets. Natasha squeezes his shoulder. 

The bottom of the stairs is eerily empty. But hey - at least it isn’t a void. There’s a pattering of paws. 

“Is that a cat,” Gamora says.

“Be nice,” Tony hisses. The green leopard-kangaroo-pinecone tribrid frowns. Or so Tony thinks. 

“We only take one at a time,” they say. 

“Unfortunate,” Loki says. “I’m afraid it’s going to be all or none, so-”

“But it is his turn-”

“Lokes-”

“You have no system!”

“The system is _ ours _ to de-”

_ “What is going on here.” _

Loki stiffens. 

“Who’s trying to disrupt the system?” A figure cloaked in black drifts towards them, something about them uncannily familiar. A smile splits across their face.

“Why,_ l__ittle brother_. So soon?” 

Loki’s face is stony.

Ah. 

“You’re family!” Tony claps his hands together. “That means friends discount, right?”

“I’ll take them,” the Goddess of Hel informs the staff member. “Follow me, deathlings.”

“Is that really what-”

Natasha slaps a hand over Gamora’s mouth. 

“Thin fucking ice,” she mouths to her. 

The Goddess of Hel leads them into an office, plopping down into the wheely chair behind the desk. As far as office rooms go, it’s surprisingly average. 

“Though it’d be more… gloomy,” Tony attempts.

The Goddess of Hel is quiet, rifling through the files on her desk. They stand quietly.

Or try.

“You’re taller,” Loki observes. 

“Mm. Keeping up appearances,” Hela confirms. She sets down the documents and looks at them with a disgruntled expression. “I’m at a loss as to why you lot are here.”

“I’m at a loss as to why you’re even _ alive_,” Loki blurts. Hela rolls her eyes.

“I’m still immortal. Thor barely even left a scar on me. I die, I get a millennium of paperwork, I go back.” She steeples her fingers under her chin, completing her villain do-up, save for the boring surroundings. 

“You, on the other hand.” Placing a manicured finger on a sheet of paper, she scowls at Tony. “You’re redempted.”

Tony blinks. “Really?”

“You sacrificed yourself to save your entire universe,” she reads off the file dryly. “Yes, Merchant of Death, you’re fine.” 

“Natalia Romanova, former assassin against will," she continues in a bored tone, "sacrificed yourself to save a loved one from doing so, cleared. God of Mischief, saved the same brother you half-heartedly tried killing every other year or so.” 

Hela looks up, perfectly threaded eyebrow raised. 

“Technically, the shit you pulled with Odin isn’t cleared, but it amuses me, so I’ll let it slide.” She looks at Gamora. “Why in blasphemy’s name are you here?”

“I broke my sisters wrist once?” 

The Goddess of Hel pinches the bridge of her nose. 

“There’s a blue door to the right of my office. Get out of my sight.”

-

There’s trees around them. 

Granted, they’re leafless, with it being the middle of autumn, but trees nonetheless. 

“This is Earth, right?” Tony asks after a moment. They all stand still, hands clasped in each others, just listening to their surroundings. Leaves on the ground rustle with the wind, a squirrel zips past them, and there’s the odd cricket. 

“_Brother! _Stark! Strange says you have returned!”

“This is hell,” Loki says.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah. honestly, what the fuck. i want biryani.


End file.
